We have just returned from a ten day stay at the Royal Garden Villas which I would sum up as OK but a triumph of style over content.

The villas are beautifully styled. Plenty of space and a great terrace and plunge pool. Regrettably, this is spoiled by poor cleanliness, attention to finish, indiosyncratic and inconsistent servicing and penny pinching.

First, let's deal with the dreaded road that is much mentioned in the reviews. We knew before we went that this would be a risk. At the end of the day I wouldn't say it ruined the holiday, but it definitely detracted from the experience quite severely. I am surprised no-one has posted a video of it on this site, so I took some so you can judge for yourselves.

What is not apparent is that there are two roads. The terraces front onto the main road from the TF1 autopista down to La Caleta so this is quite busy. It's on a main bus route and there is quite a bit of building going on along this coast so you also get lots of cement lorries and builders vehicles. The piice de resistance of these are the lorries loaded with boulders especially as they bounce over the sleeping policemen outside the hotel.

I have read on this site that if you go further up the hill it makes quite a difference. We went up there to see and frankly it was still bad. They also don't tell you that there is another - quieter - road at the back of the hotel. But this is the main entrance to the golf course, so that's also far from quiet.

We spent a lot of time on the terrace as we went to relax and recharge our batteries, and the road definitely spoilt this for us especially when put together with the noise from the tractor on the golf range opposite when it clattered around collecting up the golf balls.

OK - that's the road dealt with. What really destroyed the holiday for us was the dreaded lift muzac that pervades everywhere. It's bad enough at breakfast time and it's not just that it's the same old tape going round and around that wears you down, it's the sheer volume. Every day I asked them to turn it down - which they did - then the next day it was back to blaring. If you are going for ambient background music then HELLO! It needs to be in the background not in your face!!

Even worse, they play it in the passages outside your room as well. It's so loud that you can hear it while you eat dinner in your room with the door closed and the fountain turned on in the pool. We didn't use the restaurant for dinner because we couldn't face the muzac. I suspect the reason they do this is to drown out the road noise but I'd personally prefer to listen to the traffic. It's immensely irritating!

Anyway, here's a summary of the plus and minus points, plus points first :

(1) The pool was surprisingly warm given that it's solar heated
(2) The room and terrace are very private and roomy
(3) Breakfast was good - plenty of variety but they could do with a heat pad under the hot section. I don't expect cold congealed eggs at these prices.
(4) View from the terrace was pleasant across the driving range over to the mountains and coast
(5) Staff were very friendly
(6) You get a big fridge, dishwasher, microwave, full oven and hob, washing machine but a ridiculously small sink

Now the minus points :

(1) We were there for ten days during which time the pool was never cleaned
(2) Minibar was ridiculously pricey : €4 for a gin and €2 for a small tonic. Buy a Litre supermarket for €11.35 and cans of Schweppes tonic for €0.59
(3) If you have a Nespresso machine, take some capsules with you. There's a machine but they charge you €1.50 a go which is a rip off for a 27p coffee capsule. It's also not obvious that they charge unless you look into the Nespresso book aongside the machine. It's not listed in the minibar price list. If you assume the coffee is included - as it is in most 5* hotels - you could end up with a mighty big bill. I thought this was sneaky.
(4) Because the building is right on the road, don't expect your terrace to get dark as it is perfectly illuminated by the street lights.
(5) Irritatingly, there is no ice box in the fridge so don't buy ice cream! Sometimes they top up the ice in the ice bucket, but sometimes they forget and you have to ring down for them to send some.
(6) The rooms face East, so sun disappears late afternoon. You still get some round the main pool, but there are notices up threatening dire consequences for anyone using the pool after 4pm - which is ludicrous as that's exactly the time you would want to use it.
(7) There's not enough crockery in the kitchen. You get two plates, two cups, two saucers, two side plates - and most of those are chipped and need to be replaced. If you want to self cater then this is inadequate so be warned. Also take your own potato peeler because there isn't one.
(8) There's only one socket in the kitchen which is rather unhelpful
(9) I don't expect chipped and cracked glassware in a 5 star establishment!
(10) The bathroom was roomy, but was spoilt by loose wash basins - alarming the frst time you put weight on them
(11) There's no shaver point in the bathroom and the overhead light means you can't see your chin when you're shaving
(12) The shower clearly had a door on it once, now there's just the holes where the hinges used to be
(13) You can't clean a room on a daily basis in 12 minutes - and if you are going to have ornate furniture then you need to dust it. Some of the room clearly hadn't been dusted for some considerable time - see photos
(14) A line to hang your swimsuit on after using the pool would have been nice

The biggest negative point for us was the inconsistency of the service : For example, they take away the drying up cloth and don't bring another one (twice), they take away two towels and bring one (twice), they wash up the cups and then put them away wet, they take away two towels and leave three, cushions are plumped up on a seemingy random basis - I could go on and on!

But if you do go there - here's my top tips :

The TV is digital and has bilingual capability if you play with the tools menu on the remote and it also has a USB point and built in media player so you can plug in your MP3 player if it has USB connection. If I'd known, I would have taken my USB hard drive which has loads of music and films on.

Get a car. There's nothing within walking distance and there are two supermarkets one either side of the motorway junction. The nearest is best for wine and beer and the far one is better for produce.

To summarise I won't be going back and I won't be recommending the place - mainly because I can't take the muzak but also for the dozens of little things that simply just should be better. It's overhyped and overpriced.