My friend Claire had to go to Mt. Sinai in Miami for tests to find out if she is a candidate for a life saving heart operation. We decided to have some fun in South Beach at the same time.

The day at Mt. Sinai was exhausting and we were more than ready to have a cocktail by the time we got back to our hotel at 5:30. Our hotel was the Avalon, one of the small hotels on south beach in the art deco district. It had small rooms but a pleasant staff and nice restaurant. They charged me $15 for my Cosmo. We looked at the menu and decided that "Fish on the Avalon" was too pricey. We went next door to the Beacon as it seemed to be more lively and they were having 2/1 drinks. That always appeals to us. The waitress stuffs us into the corner. After all, two senior citizens don’t fit into the scantily clad, young and hip South Beach image. My Cosmo tasted like it was made with rubbing alcohol. I expected to wake up blind the next morning. The waitress was very nice and told us about the specials. I asked about the broiled fish and lobster special and then asked the price. She said it was $65.00. I laughed and said no thanks. I had fettuccine with salmon and asparagus. It turned out to be a glutinous mass of fettuccine topped with two pieces of lox rolled around two scrawny asparagus. No matter it was only $13.50 and didn't taste too bad. The other special was paella. Both Claire and I are good cooks and have made paella and it is not an expensive dish to make especially here in the south where shrimp are cheap. The paella arrives with a whole split lobster sitting on top. Now I laugh again and told Claire that I bet it is $65.00. Claire turns pale and calls the waitress over and asked if this was supposed to be a dish for two. The waitress said no. She then asked what the price was and sure enough it was $65.00 at which point we both wail. The waitress gives Claire a 15% discount. Now Claire is fuming. To make matters worse someone cranked the volume of the music up up to deafening levels. The speaker was positioned directly over my head and the sounds of Lady Gaga, “Rah rah-rah-ah-ah-ah Roma, rhumba-ma Gaga, oh–la-la”, made me jump off my chair. Now not only am I going to be blind the next morning but deaf as well. We finished our dinner and our two cocktails when a monsoon hits. It was raining so hard that it began to leak through the porch roof and walls. It didn't just leak a little; it was a torrent of water that came pouring into a packed restaurant. Everyone scurried and we got absolutely drenched.

I crawled into my pjs and into bed at the Avalon when it hit me that my car was sitting at an expired meter on Ocean Ave. I ran out and handed the keys to the Valet for another $27.00. The parking situation was not mentioned when I booked the room.

It rained most of the night and our room was over the utility room so I listened to banging trash bins and moving furniture all night. This was an upgraded room for it had a “partial ocean view”. You had to crane your neck to see it. It was one of the best values on the beach, however.

The whole experience was so absurd that we just had to laugh. We had tourist rube written all over us.
South Beach is not for us. If Claire is a candidate for surgery, it will have to be soon. You will find me in a tent in the woods.