The Balmoral hotel in Durban purports to have been awarded 4 stars but these were undoubtedly granted in the early days, shortly after the big bang, when stars were closer together and easier to come by.

This hotel has the old-world majestic air brought about by having seen it all and stood here through storms, riots and a changing city scape. The creaking wooden flooring in the corridors has undoubtedly been trodden down by far too many feet in its time. Also creaking and past its prime is the elevator, which I hypothesise may be steam powered, after pressing the button for the desired floor there is a somewhat disturbing wait while the steam pressure builds, then after what seems like an eternity the door closes on you trapping you inside this minuscule linoleum and wood laminate cubicle. Several seconds later, presumably after the stokers have put more coal on the fire, and the boilers have got up a good head of steam, the lift shudders into movement, then with a lurch and that special jolting of abandoned industrial equipment you are delivered to within 10% of your selected floor - the final 10% being left for you to step up to the level of the corridor.

Similar in functionality to the elevator, the air conditioner in the room huffs and wheezes and rattles like an old man with consumption, all the while relying solely on Brownian motion and sheer luck to move a few molecules of air around the room. A far greater cooling effect was obtained by opening the door of the (empty) mini-bar.

The bathrooms are decorated in Soviet Sanatorium Schick; black and white tile with bad grouting fixed by industrious applications of white paint. When running a bath somehow the usual clean water of Durban is transformed by the piping system into deliciously brown soup - I recommend showering as the colour of the water is more difficult to discern and you are assisted in this choice by the fact that when you turn on the taps for the bath the shower pours water on your head anyway. For some strange reason there is a complete instruction manual on the inside of the bathroom door on how to operate the door lock - this is baffling as the door lock is of very common design and this manual is presumably intended for those people who have never operated a door before. The main door with a more complex electronic lock has no such instructional guide, it does however have decorative faux gold faceplate on the corridor side in a failed attempt to keep the old-world charm alive in the modern era of door key-cards.

The Freudians amongst you may argue as to why I mention this, but the light fixtures in the public areas, rooms and bathrooms appear to be have been modelled on the breasts of a very buxom and decidedly excited woman. You can't help but notice... Really...

With all that said, the staff and in particular the doorman, are friendly and helpful and accommodating, but they just don't build hotels like this any more - and with good reason.

Avoid at all costs.
Do not book at this hotel.
If your idea of a holiday is staying at a resort with no beach access even though it supposedly has a beach front, but access is blocked one side due to construction, and in front is blocked by a derelict theme park that would probably scare the living daylights out of steven king.
Arriving early and going for a stroll next to the hotel, we had to bypass numerous vagrants pushing carts and stepping over human excrement while eying warily the people sleeping in the abandoned theme park, it just looked too unsafe and dodgy.
When questioning reception the answer was well if you must go to the beach drive elsewhere and they not responsible for what happens outside the hotel.
Extremely dangerous and disgusting area, avoid.

The hotel building itself has an old, a bit shabby but quite historic air about it and is well situated at Durban's beach parade, part of which is rather noisy with music til 10 p.m. Our room was ok except for a large puddle of water from the AC that soaked the carpeting (and our socks).
Unfortunately, the female personell at the front desk was incompetent, unprofessional and extremely unfriendly. We were asked to wait "5 mins" that actually stretched into an hour before we decided to take a tour of Durban instead of waiting in vain the whole afternoon. I could not see the source of the hold-up as the ladies spent their time chitchatting in lack of other customers and didn't care a moment to update us. Confronted with our voucher (back from the tour), they didn't know what to do (!) - we were even asked to give our credit card details for coverage, which we denied - until we explained that it meant a prepaid booking.
Paying the lavish parking fee (R40/d) with a R100 note, I got the impression the very same personell tried to make some extra money. Claiming they hadn't got any change in the cashier, they found it apt to simply keep the difference without a word. When I realized what was going on and complained, they answered it wasn't their fault nor responsibility (!) and blamed me for not giving the exact amount of money. I will not repeat their words as they were offensive and insulting and gave evidence of poor manners and a huge lack of professionalism. I finally managed to get the R100 note changed in the hotel's restaurant, the personell there was very friendly.
On a fabulous 3 week-tour through SA, the Balmoral was by far the most unpleasant experience. Stay away - there are far better options for accomodation in Durban!

As I am the latest person to write a review on my experience at the Balmoral Hotel in Durban, I would like to be 100% honest on all aspects of my stay (good and bad.)
First of all, when my family and I arrived at the hotel we were greeted by extremely unhelpful staff, and although our bags were carried to our rooms, we were not shown to them and had to wonder the corridors trying to find our rooms.
Once in the room, we walked in on the most disgusting smell of stale smoke and after a long flight, decided we would just open the windows and hope it would disappear.

The female managers had an appauling attitude, we were refused car parking passes which we were told initially 'guests were entitled to' and continued to recieve unwelcoming looks everytime we walked past the reception area. (This was extremely uncomfortable.) - I would just like to add that the male members of staff were very helpful and polite throughout the duration of our stay (especially a waiter named Ronnie, who went out of his way to make sure we had the best experience possible. He was an absolute gem.)

The main thing I would like to share with those of you thinking about staying at this hotel is this:

I had 3 dresses stolen from my wardrobe when I was out. I came back and my 3 favourite dresses had vanished into thin air. After approaching the reception desk and being told I was lying (not in those exact words) I kept pursuing the house keeping staff to no avail. Unfortunately, we had to leave the hotel a couple of days after my dresses were stolen and continued our journey onto Malawi. Whilst in Malawi, I kept calling the Balmoral and continued to speak to unhelpful staff (most of which couldn't speak English!)
It completely ruined my stay in Malawi having to chase up my dresses and after 2 weeks of chasing them, they still hadn't lifted a finger.
The last I heard when I called them on January 5th 2010, was that they had checked CCTV and were forcing the member of staff they believed had my dresses to take a lie detector test... I haven't heard anything since.

My advice to you is if you wish to enjoy the beautiful City of Durban and have the best experience possible, DO NOT stay at the Balmoral Hotel. It is the worst hotel I have experienced and I will never ever be going back.