Do you like listening to Agadoo at ridiculously high volume five nights a week? Are you sick of the British weather but can't bear to be more than a stone's throw from an over-priced can of baked beans? If so, then Apartamentos Vista Blanes is for you!
That's right, you can enjoy the delights of a kids' mini-disco every weeknight, even outside the school holidays, from the comfort of your own balcony – you don't even need to go to the hotel bar!
Fancy relaxing, and perhaps listening to your own choice of music at more moderate levels between the hours of 20:00 and 23:00? Tough; you'll need to go out instead, or you'll be sitting through the most inane, repetitive and downright annoying "entertainment" imaginable. Once the children have finished bopping, one of a range of low-rent acts will take to the stage. A Robbie Williams tribute act, vacuous quizzes and ill-conceived puppet shows are just a few of the horrendous prospects on offer.
The more discerning guest might, quite reasonably, consider complaining to the very approachable and helpful Thomson rep. Complainants beware, though – despite the lovely Charlotte's best efforts, the entertainment co-ordinator, Astrid, will ignore your plight and continue to bombard your ears. Even with only five or six children in attendance, the show will go on.
Your apartment's kitchenette features a two-ring electric hob, on which you could cook any one of the British food products available in the on-site shop, which is staffed by couple of very friendly young Spanish ladies. For the more adventurous, why not don your best white sports socks, slip on your sandals and head on down to one of the local supermarkets for a greater range of produce. Be sure to shop around for the best deals on British lager, digestive biscuits and Walkers crisps, or why not go crazy and buy something remotely Spanish?
Don't fancy cooking? Make your way to 'The Strip' – a mere 10-minute walk away, here you'll find the finest fried breakfasts, alongside all manner of other British-style food for lunch or dinner. More traditional local food is also available in a number of restaurants along The Strip. Not a rocket scientist? All you have to do is ignore the bright lights of the chippy, British and Irish themed pubs, and look for the Spanish words on the street-side menus.
Unsurprisingly, given that the area is a large tourist centre, most of the restaurant and bar staff speak incredible English. Don't let that put you off having a go at Spanish, however - it's generally really well received by your waiter or bartender. Best of all, you'll rarely get laughed at or burst into flames!
Back at the apartments, be sure to get to the pool before 09:00 to bag yourself a lounger, otherwise you'll find yourself doing nothing more than admiring an astounding array of gaudy beach towels for the three hours it takes for anyone to start lying on them.
The pool is very clean, the water is relatively warm, and there's plenty of room for swimmers and more playful souls. Be prepared for plenty of noise from adults and children alike, though. Also be aware that at some point during the afternoon you may have to make way for an accommodation supplier-sanctioned game of water polo. Not only will those innocently enjoying a cool dip have their fun interrupted, but guests trying to relax around the pool's edge will invariably be struck by a heavy volleyball, much to the indifference of the ubiquitous Astrid and the handful of people bored enough to take part in the game. Complain away at this, safe in the knowledge that you will be the one considered to be in the wrong. Don't you just hate those killjoys!?
All in all, while much of the surrounding area is well worth the time it will take to explore – try walking to Ciutadella, or swimming with the fishes in one of the nearby coves – you'd be better saving the money you could be spending at Vista Blanes and putting it towards a stay at accommodation that will credit you with a modicum of taste.
Room Tip: Book a room somewhere else.
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This review is the subjective opinion of a TripAdvisor member and not of TripAdvisor LLC