Let me begin by saying that if dinner at Applebees is your idea of a fancy night out, then stop reading. If you drink Boone’s Farm flavored “wine” because you enjoy it, and not because you’re underage and it’s the only alcohol you’re able to procure from the local grocery store cashier who’s stopped caring because, well, he’s a grocery store cashier… don’t bother reading the rest of this review.

The Lifestyle Holiday Vacation club is the single worst vacation destination we’ve ever experienced. DO NOT COME HERE. The resort has numerous buffets and restaurants, each one worse than the last. We had to pay around $80 per person, per day, for the all-inclusive package, which included food and drinks. At this price, we assumed it would be an enjoyable experience … we were wrong.

The main buffet area had a pathetic selection of dishes. At these prices, you’d expect a wide variety – what you got was 8-9 different items served over, and over, and over again. That wouldn’t be too much of a problem if these dishes were any good. But they were garbage – badly prepared, badly cooked, badly seasoned. After a couple of meals at these buffets, your main goal becomes finding the least disgusting items available. Typically, these ended up being the boiled vegetables. Imagine paying $80/day for your meals, and purposefully choosing to eat only boiled vegetables. I went on this vacation to planning to lie on the beach and get fat off all the food and drinks I could handle. Instead, I ended up losing weight.

They have four main restaurants on the property that non-VIP guests have access to. I personally went to 3 of these restaurants. The first one we went to was Bellini, their “Italian” restaurant. We started with their pizza appetizer –one bite was all it took to convince us to throw away the rest. I don’t know what they used to make it, but it wasn’t cheese. The rest of the meal was poor at best – at the end of our trip, I rated them a 2 on a scale of 1-5 (5 being the best). Sadly, this turned out to be the best meal I had that entire week. The Blue Lagoon looked like a nice restaurant, with a view on the ocean. But again, the food was terrible, and it gave members of our party food poisoning. Unless you’re willing to risk several days of explosive diarrhea, avoid this restaurant at all costs. On our last night of the trip, we went to Indochine, their version of the Chinese restaurant. My only feedback here is that this restaurant should be burned to the ground.

In keeping with the standards set by the dog food they tried serving us, they paired it with equally horrific wine. Every dinner, they’d come by and try to fill your glass with either red or white “wine” produced domestically in the Dominican Republic. There’s a reason why the Dominican isn’t known for its wine – because its sewage. To make matters worse, they store their wine in open shelves in these open air restaurants, exposing them heat and humidity. This turns the wine from sewage, into really bad sewage. I know that statement is redundant, but this resort found a way to make it happen. Even the mixed drinks were terrible – the bartenders had no idea what they were doing. Plus, all of the liquors they used were the lowest quality bottles I’ve ever seen. These are the kinds of bottles I would expect homeless drunks and crack addicts to say to themselves – I think I’ll save my money to buy something better, like Mad Dog 20/20.

The entertainment in this place was almost as bad as the food and drinks. The only reason I say ‘almost’, is that we weren’t subjected to it every day and night. There’s a single crew of dancers/entertainers that performed at the resort’s amphitheatre, as well as in other locations like a nighttime show at the main pool area. These dancers had the collective skills of a third grade talent show. There’s a possibility that they might have some unseen talent, but it was impossible to see through the ridiculously bad choreography. I haven’t even mentioned the idiot MC’s – these guys should either be fired, or put in positions that have zero contact with the guests, like cleaning up all the vomit from the guests who ate at the Blue Lagoon restaurant. At least then, they’d be doing something worthwhile.

If you’re not a VIP guest, meaning that you haven’t yet been suckered into their buying a timeshare upgrade, you get harassed several times a day by sales people patrolling the grounds looking for guests to pitch to. They’re like a roving pack of hyenas, just not quite as pleasant. These guys are relentless – they attack you everywhere on the property, even while you’re sitting at your own table in the restaurants. I was even harassed while sitting on the balcony of my own room. No matter how politely you try to decline, they keep pushing. And if you simply decide to walk away, they verbally abuse you in Spanish.

To be fair, the rooms were spacious, and housekeeping did a good job of keeping everything clean. I was told by others in my group that the massages they got at the spa were decent. And the weather was practically perfect for the entire week we were there, but that can hardly be credited to the Lifestyle resort.

All in all, this resort was the worst place I’ve ever stayed. We wouldn’t go back if they gave us a free week and paid for our flights. The only reason I’m rating this place 1 star is because there’s no option for giving 0 stars. STAY AWAY!